Just as soon as I get off this barge, I never want to see you again….

This is the sophisticated way of declaring, “na, na you can’t get me, come and catch me!” Or, another way to say, “see you next time”. I am learning it is best to say nothing if you really mean it.  However, it can be very tricky to say, “no”, to very persuasive people. It could be all too easy to return to the same place on the strength of a persistent invite. On cue is the excuse list, starting with “I’m washing my hair tonight”. Or in my case, I am not in the UK for the next........ Life on the road makes things a little simpler. But even a little ray of opportunity can leave me open to question. So, the options are to fight blunt with blunt, but I am not as terrible as my friends believe me to be when compared with this person. So my lips are sealed from now on. 

Who wants to be a millionaire

To test your knowledge, answer the following:

What does a rabbit do?

A. Have lots of babies.
B. Eat lots of carrots
C. Use lots of batteries
D. Go on, and on and on.

Answers on a postcard please.

Before the chop

I don’t quite know how such a morbid list came about, but in the course of a week at work, I thought I would join in with the activity. Most of those completing the list with me had far more ‘normal’ ideas compared to me. Of course, one or two on the list were not publicly voiced.

Sing a professional 90 minute set in a jazz club, dressed up in all my clothes.

Fall in love at first sight and declare it. (It may have happened before, if so I am still laughing at being an idiot now) However, it is blissful and great for losing weight too.

Buy a cat. I can’t look after anything at the moment, not even a cactus. A cat would symbolise that I have stopped moving around too much.

Get married, ......er one day, next year, next decade, millennium perhaps.  There are a few bonuses to arranged marriages; one is that you can’t draw a pension before it happens. Then like a third of couples, get divorced.

Make love in various places, easier said than done. This is not to be considered in the Middle East.

Buy myself a diamond ring, since I am sceptical about one of the above. Plus, I have never kept a ring yet, I always loose them. This is tempting fate and it is serious omen to the idea of being married.

Ride husky dogs through Norway.

Buy an expensive ball gown and crash a red carpet event.

Learn to sail and one day sail the Atlantic Ocean. That would be the hard work version of romantic.

Be part of a very good script writing team.

Get a micro lighting pilot license.

Learn how to shoot a gun. Then I can seriously claim to be dangerous. I have practised and I did not miss the target. Just like in Dahl’s, Red Riding Hood, in ‘Revolting Rhymes’, I can earn a license to pull a pistol from my knickers.

Learn to master one style of dance.

Learn Spanish, I attempted some time ago and could have worked in Spain last year. The only way to learn a language is to live there.

Have a love lie in, like John Lennon and Yoko Ono. I would claim sickness, then I’d stay in bed for a week or so and have lots of fun.

Finally, learn to ride a horse like a film heroine.

Austrian number

plus 43 (0)6991943630

The road to TLC

Again, I have been far too busy to write, even in my personal diary. Such business only leads to a total lack of care. I live by the motto that I let myself down first, but perhaps I should care less about being nice to other people and much nicer to me to get some real TLC. It is a shame to say that I am proud of being 100% reliable; even when it does my back in. I found myself in the chiropractors for that reason. It is a wonder how a woman the same size as me actually cracks the back of some very large men; she said she has treatment for that reason alone. The travelling is obviously bad for my health; I will be little more than a snail for the next two months. I have been for the last 18 months. However, I doubt many snails have what I put in my luggage.  I have not managed to spend a full week in my own bed for all of that time, and that is not due to being a naughty girl. I am quite saintly when I am on the move.

I am excellent at giving TLC. I think things through for others, and I hate not having it reciprocated. Extra bonuses are given for those that do, or else you have to be a very rare type of man to me. Charm can only stretch so far before I dispense with the situation; I expect effort, sweat and tenacity if you want to keep my attention.  But, the truth is, away from the public eye, I am very scatty, which has landed me in trouble a few times.  I have actually managed to fly home without a passport, I was just lucky that I had booked the out bound journey and return with the same company.  Nether less, you will find me to be an oasis of calm when you meet me and always on time.  But, here I am here in Austria for another journey, although under the true meaning of TLC, I should not be here. There are times when another near five am wake-up call leaves me wondering where the motivation is for a week’s worth of work. Sometimes the heart is not in it. But the last thing that will be written on my grave stone is ‘here lies a lazy woman’.  Everyone is on about sex addiction, can anyone cure a workaholic? Perhaps five weeks in a wellness spa, naked, will fix me.
Just a note, in ‘Waiting for Godot’, there is a great line that we are born aside a grave. In Austria, women give birth aside a ski slope.  I will most likely give birth on a plane.